Marshall 04/12/2014

 It Was Sufficient                April 2014

Some sixty years ago an elderly couple,
war refugees, invited us for cakes and coffee.
Their small apartment, scrubbed and sparse, reflected
old world simplicity and hardship before and since,
escaping with what little they could carry,
loosing family, worldly possessions.
They were musicians, educated, urbane,
grateful for haven in America.                  

An exquisite petite crystal vase, exactly
faceted, refracted rainbow colors from
a candle. The only treasure she brought out,
and stood in striking contrast to their home.  
It was an icon of their past and present.      
Each day she proudly placed a flower there.


======================
It Was Sufficient April 2014

Some sixty years ago an older couple,
war refugees, invited us for cakes and coffee.
They had a small apartment, scrubbed, sparse,
modest, reflecting both old world simplicity
and hardship before and since escaping with
what little they could carry. They were string
musicians, educated, poor, urbane and frail,
grateful for haven in America.

An exquisite tiny crystal flower vase,
exactly cut, refracted rainbow colors
from a candle. It was the only treasure they
snuck out. An anomaly in their humble home,
it was an icon of their past and present.
Each day she ritually placed a flower there.

I think you have the makings of a good poem here but I do have a few comments.

I have just been looking at a blog http://solitary-walker.blogspot.com/ which has good posts on "walks" that the author does - but he also covers poetry and even has a poetry e-zine site http://thepassionatetransitory.yolasite.com/ in which says one of his criteria for a good poem is

"it's got everything: apparent simplicity, great technical skill disguised by an almost conversational tone, a concision in which every word counts and resonates, a moral/life dilemma, an ambiguity, a confrontation between the modern human world and the natural world."

I think we are sometimes guilty of choosing a word more for the metre than the appropriateness!

So let me quibble about words . . . . . .

It seems to be a shorter poem stretched out to be a fourteen line sonnet!! It needs stronger imagery in the first part to sustain the volta to the crystal vase in the second part. I first thought of the poet seeing their battered suitcase in which they carried all that they could bring out - but then I thought you need to emphasis what they left behind - an old photograph on the mantlepiece of the family they left behind perhaps? - and the only thing they (she) brought out was the vase. I think what I am saying is "what is the back-story"?

I do not know if it will be helpful but I thought I would approach the poem from the point of view of the logic and internal consistency of the words - what do they add to the work?

What does "sixty" (line 1) add? It implies the poet is very very young - so "an older couple" could be quite young but just older than the very young poet. Maybe drop "sixty" and use the term an elderly couple - which is the image I took from the poem.

"They had" (line 3) is perhaps too colloquial - how about "in their apartment"?

"small", "scrubbed", "sparse", "modest" - some of these maybe redundant. The phrase "spare and sparse" comes to mind but that might be particularly English. Once you have chosen words that are not redundant then I think the order of the adjectives becomes important. "educated, poor, urbane and frail" (line 7) I find confusing. Are you filling in with words to get the metre?   :=) To me educated and urbane go well with "grateful for have in America" (line 8)

"tiny" (line 9) seems rather and over-emphatic word and small would be better.

"flower" (line 9) repetitious/redunant as "flower" is used in line 14.

I like "exactly cut, refracted rainbow colors" (line 9)   exactly/refracted and refracted/rainbow

"they snuck out" (line 12) too colloquial for the "atmosphere" of the poem that I feel reading it

"vase" (line 12) do you need to repeat "vase" . . . "It was the only treasure they brought out and (it) stood in striking contrast"

do you need some punctuation in line 13  "humble home, an anomaly."??

"she ritually placed" sounds a bit awkward -- how about "she placed a ritual flower" or even better "she prouly placed"   as I think part of the essence of the poem is tht they were poor but proud (in a nice way).

Also, I have the image that it was "she" who brought the vase with them!!!


Of course, since this happened to you, what I am saying does not bear the mark of truth but does reflect what I see in your poem.